Cost of Living Crisis: Brutus Stone Forced to Move to Buckfastleigh

TOTNES, DEVON — In a development locals are describing as “the final straw” in Totnes’s chronic housing affordability crisis, the iconic Brutus Stone revealed this morning that following over 1,000 years of residency it can no longer afford to stay in its historic location and next month will relocate down the road to Buckfastleigh.

The ancient granite monument, which has been mildly disappointing visitors to Fore Street since medieval times, cited skyrocketing rents and the proliferation of second homes as the primary reasons behind its difficult decision.

“I’ve weathered everything from the Norman Conquest to the Black Death, but I simply cannot weather these property prices,” the Stone revealed in a painstakingly etched statement to The Totnes Pulse. “When even 2,700-year-old pieces of geological history with deep community ties cannot afford to stay put, you know things have become really bleak.” The Stone revealed it had been searching for affordable accommodation for months, posing on the Totnesians Facebook group with increasingly desperate pleas such as “Ancient monument seeks modest ground space, max £350/month, no direct sunlight needed, excellent references going back centuries.”

Town Council member Marigold Tiffin expressed dismay at the news. “First we lost our dairy, then our young families, and now our most famous granite hunk. What’s next? Will the castle start commuting from Plymouth?” Local estate agent Andrew Knobjockey defended the housing situation. “The Brutus Stone has enjoyed prime retail frontage for over a millennium without paying market rates. Unfortunately, in today’s economy, even mediocre tourist attractions must demonstrate commercial viability.”

The Stone has reportedly landed more affordable digs in Buckfastleigh – “just outside, actually” – where it hopes to continue its traditional role of being frowned at by tourists and urinated on by drunks. However, the move has sparked concerns about Totnes’s cultural heritage, with tourism officials worried about the impact on visitor numbers. South Hams District Council issued a statement acknowledging the “unique circumstances” of the situation but noted that their housing strategy “doesn’t specifically address the needs of inanimate objects, regardless of dubious historical significance.”

Meanwhile, several of Totnes’s prolific second-home owners have expressed keen interest in the newly vacant socket with plans afoot to develop it into a “bijou pied à terre”, noting the plot’s plum location and undeniable kerb appeal.

At press time, sources confirmed that the River Dart was also considering relocating to Paignton, expressing concerns its fish might not be able to get into a decent school.