TOTNES TRAFFIC CAR-MAGEDDON!!

Totnes has been in the grip of a Traffic Apocalyptic as disruptive roadworks were simultaneously in place at the Railway Station Bridge and Bridgetown. These two roadworks somehow trans-dimensionally combined to create a nexus, forming a lethal traffic jam maelstrom from which there was seemingly no escape, virtually sucking much of Totnes close to the gates of Hell… honestly!

Such has been the impact of this car-borne cataclysm that strange tales of desperation and survival have emerged.

One desperate driver managed to throw a message in a bottle from his hopelessly trapped vehicle on Bridgetown Bridge. The Pulse can share it here:

(PARENTAL ADVISORY)

‘I have been in my car for 3 days and have moved forward about as far as an asthmatic ant could have managed in that time.

I only popped out for some milk!

Frankly, I’m losing the will to live.

I have long since run out of Polo Mints and the crumbs of the last pasty I ate in the car a few weeks ago… I am seriously considering gnawing off my left arm.’

This un-named disaster victim went on to desperately indicate the depths of his depravity:

‘I am now deep in the ‘drinking my own urine’ stage…

(but have developed quite a taste for it, tbh!)

May God have mercy on our souls.’

Sadly, the fate of this poor person is unknown… and if the traffic ever does ease, we can only imagine how he will change gear without his left arm? Unhelpful scare-mongering that walking and cycling were still possible and might even be legal were dismissed as ‘yoghurt-knitted hippy nonsense’.

Disturbingly there are reports some drivers have gone feral, leaving their cars to roam the area, hunting down pedestrians indiscriminately. More sinister whispers have emerged that some maddeningly frustrated drivers have totally regressed, abandoning  vehicles to form a cult and worshipping a Pig’s Head on the Morrisons Roundabout. Even darker rumours of cannibalism have emerged, and the last Pulse reporter sent to investigate has still not returned.

(In other news, essential gas works have to be done at some time, don’t they?)