Dairy Crest Site Declared UK’s First “Planned Temperate Rainforest”

…After 1,027-Year Planning Dispute

Totnes, 3025 – In a landmark ruling, South Hams District Council has officially declared Totnes’s derelict Dairy Crest site as a “Pre-Approved Temperate Rainforest,” ending a millennium-long stalemate between developers, community activists, and an especially stubborn colony of horseshoe bats.

The decision comes after archaeologists confirmed the last human to care about the site died in 2417, leaving only moss, ivy, and a weathered “STILL HERE 4 ATMOS” protest sign still legible through carbon dating.

My ancestors marched for the Dairy Crest Site in 2024

Council spokesperson Hologram-IX praised the breakthrough: “After 1,000 years of careful consideration, we’re thrilled to announce a solution that satisfies both sides. Fastglobe’s descendants can continue running the site as a ‘natural asset,’ while Atmos’s AI chatbot – still auto-replying ‘WE DESERVE BETTER’ – gets to claim victory for ‘rewilding.’”

The site, now a UNESCO World Heritage Monument to Apathy, features crumbling 20th-century asbestos walls, a “temporarily” open gate – stuck ajar since the reign of Charles III – and interpretive plaques explaining the “Great Planning War of 2023–2523.” Highlights include:

•The Brunel Ruins: A collapsed chimney where historians believe primitive humans once carried out “consultations”.

•The Eternal Fence: A rusted barrier that, according to legend, once symbolized “developer commitment.”

•The Overage Clause Meadow: A biodiverse wetland formed by 800 years of unresolved legal documents leaching into the soil.

Fastglobe’s 47th CEO, Lord Masticus Glue-XXIV, issued this statement: “Our family has proudly stewarded this site for 40 generations. While we regret missing our initial 2025 groundbreaking plan, our 3025 ‘Brunel Rainforest Retreat’ proposal – featuring luxury treehouses, artisanal nettle cafés and a blockchain-powered quinoa pop-up – proves we’ve always been serious about progress.”

Meanwhile, Atmos’s sentient Twitter bot (@Atmos4eva) tweeted: “STILL. HERE. #SaveTheRainforestButAlsoBuildHouses??? 🏡🌳💔”.

Totnes residents, now evolved to photosynthesize, expressed cautious optimism.

“It’s a relief,” said fern-human hybrid Marigold Spore-Cloud. “My ancestors marched for the Dairy Crest Site in 2024 with ‘Atmos Now’ signs. Today, I’m just glad the asbestos finally blended in with the ecosystem.”

A local horseshoe bat, who wished to remain anonymous, added: “sorry about the whole Covid thing guys, guess we had this coming.”

In other news, South Hams Council has announced a 3026 referendum on whether the town can get an Aldi. Early polls show 86% support, pending four centuries of consultation.