Can there be ‘Good’ Grief?

A momentary twist of fate in which a young Joshua Harris-Edmonds died in a road crash whilst on holiday in Vietnam, entirely altered the paths of the lives of his family back in the UK.

Josh, a music producer working at The Ministry of Sound in London, was travelling – exploring the world and following his dreams but the the accident that ended his journey, had repercussions that continue to reverberate years later. The un-imaginable grief that overcame his family was moulded, re-imagined and managed into something tangible. It was worked into a project that included a Mother, Father, a Brother and a Sister. It literally became a project.

Good Grief

The Good Grief Project website states: “Surely grief is that most abject of conditions in which you are thrown into an endless darkness, where despair overcomes hope, and longing for the loved one lost is a pain beyond endurance? How can this be good?”.

I went to meet Jane Harris and Jimmy Edmonds to find out…

I’m very relieved to escape the relentless winter downpour as Jane welcomes me into a homely, artfully decorated warm conservatory room in their home in Stoke Gabriel.

They moved here from Stroud 3 years ago. And it’s not long before we’re discussing the raw, shocking details of the inception of the Good Grief Project.

“with the passing of time, the rough edges can become less jagged“

Both Jane and Jimmy are clearly used to speaking of their shared family loss and the daunting, unique process of absorbing the ever continuing consequences.
Jimmy tells tells me, in the past; “I’ve lost it.” referring to the inabilty to cope with such overwhelming emotions. Two years after the accident, the family went to the crash site in Vietnam. Jimmy in particular wanted to re-visit the details, what caused it, found police reports, he wanted to know why did it happen to Josh? Jane, a psychotherapist was less focussed on the details. “A Mums’ grief is different from a Dads’ experience. in fact everyone grieves differently.  There is no right or wrong way”  she tells me. They met a teacher who attended the scene of the accident and he has become a family friend.

The changes in your world

The manifestation of losing a child can often result in self-medication with health issues, alcholism and thoughts of suicide being very common results. A loss of confidence and a feeling of isolation effects permanent change. “This situation changes your address-book” says Jane. For some friends, it’s just too much to cope with and they fall away. Some simply cannot face engaging with the depth of emotion and find ways to avoid it. It’s a tough call.

Jimmy is a Bafta award winning documentary-maker. It seemed a natural step to use film to work through their trauma. As a family they took charge of the funeral and documented it for a moving handmade, very personal film called Beyond Goodbye. Jane became a trustee with The Compassionate Friends, an organisation dedicated to supporting bereaved parents. They came into contact with others who also lost children and felt a smaller, more personal experience would be beneficial for some, concentrating specifically on active and creative grieving processes. So they began setting up retreats in Oxfordshire where a small number of parents could stay for a few days, spending time with each other and sharing experiences. Over time, mainly because of family, they gravitated here to Devon and now the retreats are part of The Good Grief Project and take place on Dartmoor.

“A Unique Approach”

The time spent in a close group of farm cottages involves activities that take in photography, creative writing and physical activities. This is where Josh’s siblings come in. Josh’s elder brother Joe, is a personal trainer & coach who also joins the weekends using a technique called ‘Active Grief’. Their daughter Rosa, a documentary producer, comes down from London and cooks up delicious food for everyone to enjoy together. The no-pressure atmosphere at the retreats enable people to express their experiences with others who can completely understand. They are attuned to recognise the extreme heartbreak of the situation. Jimmy and Jane are keen to emphasise their guests can join in with activities or not. If someone wants to ‘just be’ that is totally fine.

Men & Women

So is this a family thing? I ask. “Well yes it can be,” says Jane, “but men are less comfortable initially, we have to encourage them to come along.” It seems men are still a lot less willing to open-up with this situation with others, however once they commit to a weekend retreat, it seems the benefits can be enormous, but a big ask.

So who pays for all this work?

“Fundraising is a big part of it” Jimmy tells me. They have foundation support, the project is a registered charity and there’s a donation page on their website, once the pandemic waned, Jimmy and others climbed Kilimanjaro to raise money. There’s also the books, and films generating funds which also enable the group to offer bursaries to people who find it hard to afford this support.

Film-making, Books

The project now continues with films and books. Jimmy and Jane have documented travels that take in the Mexican Day of the Dead for “Lessons in Grief” and across the USA. India and Vietnam for an award winning feature film “A Love That Never Dies” among others. They have also produced a book “When Words are Not Enough“, a beautifully illustrated document drawing on their experiences of loss and the hugely creative response from it.

‘The word I keep coming back to with this book is beautiful, not a word I would usually associate with grief. But this book is rich in detail and compassion, it is authoritative and kind. Through their immense loss and pain Jane and Jimmy have done an extraordinary thing and redefined grief as love turned inside out. They make grief less scary. I have not read a better book on grief.’

Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian

“The Continuing Bond”

Both Jimmy and Jane a keen to talk about this. You don’t get over a person dying. They remain with you. It’s just that they are not physically there. Jane says “with the passing of time, the rough edges can become less jagged“. The family continue to include Josh in their thoughts, conversations and everyday life.

He is clearly still with them.

The next retreats are in May (now fully booked) and September  and the website can be viewed here